That Time I Did The Thing I SWORE I’d NEVER Do & It Didn’t Kill Me
2 years ago. I left my life.
I packed my kids in the car with some clothes. Some diapers. And a dollhouse.
And drove across the country.
I left my marriage. My business. My life.
To become the thing I swore I’d never be. To live the life I swore I never live.
To do the thing I swore I’d never do.
I didn’t get married to get divorce.
In fact. I don’t do anything with the intention of failing.
I don’t do anything half assed.
I don’t do anything without being for the most part 100% all in.
So when I got married. When I had kids.
It was for life.
It didn’t matter how bad things got.
I was committed.
I remember thinking to myself. I’m going to die here.
Have you ever felt that way?
Well. I made this decision. And this is the consequence.
I better just find a way to make it work.
At the time I was surrounded by people who told me.
If you were just a better wife.
If you cleaned the house better.
Took care of the kids better.
Sucked his dick better.
Then he would be ok.
So I did.
I made it my life’s work for years to make myself into whatever he needed to be ok.
And I lost myself.
And here’s the truth.
That’s not on him.
It’s not his fault.
I made a decision.
I decided to morph myself into what I thought he needed.
To become something I wasn’t. To do whatever it took to make something broken whole again.
But I couldn’t.
And one day.
Someone finally said to me.
Mindy...you don’t have to live this way ever again.
And it hit me.
I had created my own prison.
From a decision.
And so in that moment. I decided there had to be another way. That I didn’t have to live like this.
That I would leave. Or at least take a break.
That I would put my kids in the car. Drive across the country to become the thing I swore I’d never be.
The thing I spent my entire life working not to become.
A single mom.
In my hometown.
With 3 little kids.
And guess what. It didn’t kill me.
We were homeless. Staying between my best friend’s and my mom’s house.
I shared a room with my babies. I started picking my life back up. Putting things back together.
Remembering who I was.
And it was hard.
It was heartbreaking.
It was not the thing I planned for.
But it happened.
So here I am.
A single mom. With three of the most amazing little humans on the planet.
And some days. I still hate it.
Some days. I’m so angry that he couldn’t be the man I needed him to be.
I just can’t accept the decisions I made.
Those days suck.
But most days. I’m grateful. Happy. Fulfilled.
I accept the fact that I never wanted to be a mom. Never wanted to get married. Never wanted to have kids.
That I wanted to be an executive. To make fuck tons of money. To change the fucking world.
And even now.
That I never wanted kids.
I wonder what you’ll think of me. What you’ll say about me. What you’ll do.
This is my dirty little secret. The thing I don’t want you to know.
That I never wanted to be here. To raise a family. To be a wife.
I never wanted to be normal.
But one day.
I listened to all the people around me. All the opinions. All the stories.
All the things that I should want to do.
And I forgot who I was.
And I made some decisions.
That some days I struggle to accept.
And those days suck.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my babies fiercely. I would literally cut someone who ever tried to fuck with them. I would literally do anything for them.
When no one is watching.
I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m hurt. I’m lonely.
And I wish. More than anything.
That I wasn’t a single mom.
That I had not chosen this life.
That things could be different.
And some of you probably hate me right now for even saying that.
But it’s my truth.
I love them with all my heart.
And struggle with accepting the choices that got me here.
And that gets to be ok.
Just like your story gets to be ok.
Just like your pain gets to be ok.
Just like all of you gets to be ok.
I remember that moment. When my best friend said the thing no one else would say.
That moment when she gave me permission.
To walk away.
To make a new decision.
To create a new life.
The day she told me I didn’t have to live like this anymore.
And 3 days later.
I packed my babies up. Met her at the airport and drove 36 hours in two days to the life I never wanted.
The life that would lead me here.
The thing I never wanted to be. The thing I never wanted to do.
The thing that makes me exactly who I’m here to be.
The thing that allows me to help my Clients have massive breakthrough.
The thing that I swore would kill me.
And the life I got on the other side is amazing.
And some days.
It’s fucking hard.
But I do it anyway. I show up. I love my babies fiercely.
I do the thing I’m here to do. The thing I love to do. The thing I’m made to do.
And that gets to be ok.
And some days.
I even love being a mother.
Those are the days when I am the mom God put me here to be.
The badass CEO.
The one who has support. The one who knows she not called to spend all the time with them.
The one who knows it’s ok to have help.
The one who knows they chose her on purpose.
All of her. Exactly her. The way God made her.
On those days. I’m happy. They are happy. And life is good.
Even now as I write this. I don’t want to post it. I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want you to judge me.
The message is the message. And I don’t get to change it. I don’t get to judge it.
I get to sit my ass in the chair. Say the thing I’m here to say and trust that the people who need to hear it will.
I see you. I believe in you. And you do not have to do this alone.
Ps. Ready to live the life you’re here to live. Make the money you’re here to make. Change the lives you’re here to live.
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